Saturday, April 25

Top 10 Musical Cure for Constipation (English)

Have you ever had a heavy dinner (courtesy: weddings, parties etc.) and woke up the next morning with rumbles in your belly and ... well... not able to "go". Well you are definitely not alone. As much as we like to gorge on delicious and scrumptious Indian foods, the turbulent aftermath is something so profound that words don't qualify to explain the experience.
Through many such occurrences, I was able to find a solution to relieve myself (quite literally) through the medium of music. Music is the best medicine, as they say (or laughter but that’s irrelevant here), and here are my top 10 songs that has that "medicinal quotient" to relieve you from... constipation.

Disclaimer: No Doctors were consulted during the making of this post.

10. Puththaandin Mudhal Naal Idhu - Isai

SJ Suryah (ya with the “h”. see the emphasis there ... it could help you at times) in his first outing as a Music Director has given this absolute gem, that couples his (auto-tuned to no use) voice with a crescendo which suits the natural tension in your mind and body, from the time you start holding your breath for ... well ... "relieving procedures". SJ Suryah also has countless dialogues (and his signature delivery with the "ahn" stuck in between) which can also cure your block but that’s another list altogether. This is the most recent aid that I used and needless to say it worked like a charm.

Key points: Notice the crescendo bit in the middle and try to overdo it and enjoy the magical ride.

9. Velayillaa pattadhaari - Velayillaa pattadhaari

Not everything will work with just holding your breath and sometimes you need to be aggressive and that’s exactly what this song provides. Right from the time when Anirudh starts singing we know that it’s the exact feeling (ignore the lyrics) that we need to have, to do what we are supposed to do. Especially putting an additional emphasis on the last letter (or word or syllable) in the leitmotif "V I PPee", you just stay focused on the business and you will let your bowels know that you are the master and you control them.

Key points: Be aggressive and pay no attention to the lyrics. Capture the aggression when Anirudh says (oops... sings) "Velayillaaa ... Pattadhaari..."

8. Yammaadi Aathaadi - Vallavan

Okay. This had to be here. This song is popular for reasons unknown but definitely deserves its place in this list with all the wonderfully delightful (contextually speaking) singing. Even though portions of this song are sung by women and one by Simbu, it’s TR, to whom we always remain grateful. He is the Doctor here for turning a normal “gaana” song into a medical miracle. Forget your laxatives and enemas, just capture the different variations of "yamma ... yamma" sung by him and you know that all the other medicines out there are just "po(o) ppycock".

Key points: the "yamma... yamma" bit. Try to emote the same way that TR does and see what happens.

7. Varudhu Varudhu Velagu Velagu - Thoongathey Thambi Thoongaathey

Going with the rest of the list, this song is more or less an anomaly, nevertheless essential. Unlike the other songs you can't do anything with the vocals here (it’s sung by SPB, but if you want to try...) but still this song finds its place here, only because of the sheer motivational quotient in the lyrics. As already explored by Ilaya thilagam in Arangetra velai, just start singing the "pallavi" alone multiple times with your own variations and this will motivate you to do better and get "everything out".

Key points: Lyrics man. Just the opening lyrics.

6. Machakanni Ottikichchu - Naan Avan Illai.

And here comes the master. This is Vijay Antony we are talking about. The man who explored and exploited this "proctological" genre of music better than anyone else. The sheer force and effort with which this song is sung (kindly ignore the female vocals) complements the force and effort required for moving your own bowels. And if that’s not enough, there is also that "ummaaa" and "kadichikkavaa" bit if you are that kinda guy. Am not.

Key points: Focus on the high notes that Vijay Antony is reaching. That's your key and cure, right there.

5. Aaruyire - Guru

Now we are moving to the big league. Ya ya all ARR fan boys (and girls... if you are still reading this) drop that frown face. Your guy does good music alright but that doesn't mean it shouldn't help other causes as well. In this ARR excels and his music has that power and pitch that could create a mellifluous experience for you in the squatter (haven't tried it in a sitter yet but I guess it should work fine there as well. Feedbacks on the sitter will be much appreciated as I don’t see myself using a squatter anymore and don't want to take a risk in the sitter. That’s enough parenthesizing). Since this also has some female and group vocals, you can ignore that and tailor the rest to suit your own wants and needs.

Key Points: Focus on the charanams especially "ennai vittu ponaal..." (no pun intended) and the high pitched vocals that follow.

4. Ek Dho Theen Chaar - Anjaan

The only non-singer (well... professionally), non-music director in the list, Surya does the job perfectly just like his Six-Pack. For all the hoopla that this song got before the release, it ended up disappointing many but still made it worthy enough to be on this list. Oh this is everything that you asked for people. It's your favorite hero, teaching you how to do your morning business (or afternoon or evening… whatever) slowly and carefully. He isn't just focused on "Ek" and "Dho" but he also helps us with "Theen" and "Chaar"(man that’s some heavy shi.. sorry ... stuff) and he just does it one by one. How can you not love him?

Key points: Ignore female vocals and focus on the voice of Surya. 2 Suryas in this list?? Nice...

3. Hey Rummu Rummuuuuu - Kooli

If you are one of those guys (or girls) who can't do their business without huffing and puffing, then this is the song for you. How many can remember this song? This is my childhood favorite. Those glorious days when squatting wasn't that uncomfortable and you relieved yourself with utmost ease. Well at least the latter was not true all the time. That's when Suresh Peters came to rescue. You know… that guy who we often associate with ARR. Suresh Peters' voice is the key here as he sets the tone for the type of singing required for a song to end up in this list. The way he stresses "Rummuuuuu" "Dhammuuuu", "Aaththuuuu" in this song made me feel like he passed the baton to Vijay Antony and said "now make me proud". Of course the downside to this song is that it also has SPB. But you know, at this point, that you're supposed to ignore him right?

Key Points: "Rummuuuuu", "Dhammmuuu" and anything with Suresh Peters' vocals.

2. Pogaathey - Deepaavali

There are some songs that make you feel happy, some that make you feel relieved, some funny, some aggressive, but this song will make you cry. Such is the potency of this song, that I cannot remember the last time I used this, for my morning business, without crying. This is the perfect combination of vocals, lyrics and pitching and everything. Although the lyrics might seem to suggest the opposite of what you're trying to achieve, it definitely is worthy to note that this song captures the feeling of that sense of elation you feel, after departing with that heavy friend of yours, who you met and spent time with the previous night, after a tough ordeal. The kind of ordeal which can be equated to winning Roland garros, against Nadal, after 5 sets. You don't sport a macho look and smile. You cry. Out of sheer joy. All your efforts and prayers have been answered. Thank you Yuvan Shankar Raja (or whatever your name is).

Key Points: Capture the e"motion" and feel it. Please feel it. It's such a wonderful experience.

Before moving on to the winner let's have a look at some honorable mentions, whose test results have not been received yet.

Kombe Sura - Mariyan

Kalasalaa - Osthi (TR portion)

Boomikku Velichamellam - Dishyum

And the Winner is....

1. Saathikkadi Pothikkadi - Sukran

Kneel before thy god mere mortals. This is Vijay Antony again. In fact you can make the entire list with Vijay Antony songs but that would be unfair to the other fellows out there who are desperately trying to compete with him. Well what can you say about this song? This is VA's first major outing in mainstream music (you can also include Chinapaappa Periyapaappa but this is movies we are talking about) and he cements his place firmly in the tiles of your bathroom floor. I remember the night when I watched sukran and had a heavy dinner outside and this was the only song running in my mind. Thank God for that. I would've never gone to school the next day, if not for this song, and be the person I am today. This song shaped my future in a way and still remains the best solution whenever you are "stuck" somewhere.

Key Points: This is the winner here, so you really want any key points? Just sing and get it over with.

Footnote: This post, if you are still not clear, was written with tongue firmly planted on cheek. Any actual reader complaints must contain verifiable proofs about the trial and result. You know what... don't bother... please...

Want to read another tounge-in cheek post?

An observation on the relationship between Manchester United FC and Chennai Super Kings.

Top 10 underrated songs of AR Rahman

  1. Puththaandin Mudhal Naal Idhu – First day of the New Year.
  2. SJ Suryah’s signature delivery with the "ahn" stuck in between – See here.
  3. Velayillaa pattadhaari – Unemployed Graduate.
  4. Yammaadi Aathaadi – A rural Tamil slang for calling a girl. Similar to “Hey girl”
  5. Gaana - Tamil slang for a peppy song with beats.
  6. Varudhu Varudhu Velagu Velagu – It’s coming... make way
  7. As already explored by Ilaya thilagam in Arangetra velai – See here.
  8. Machakanni Ottikichchu – The mermaid got stuck with me.
  9. Ummaaa – Expression for kissing in Tamil. Like Muah.
  10. Kadichikkavaa – Can I have a bite?
  11. Aaruyire – Oh my beloved.
  12. ennai vittu ponaal – If you leave me
  13. Ek Dho Theen Chaar – Hindi numeric system indicating one, two, three and four respectively.
  14. Surya’s six-pack – See here.
  15. Hey Rummu Rummuuuuu – Hey its Rum dude.
  16. Dhammuuuu – Cigarette.
  17. Aaththuuuu – Cool down.
  18. Pogaathey – Don’t go.
  19. Yuvan Shankar Raja (or whatever your name is) – See here.
  20. Saathikkadi Pothikkadi – Close the doors and cover yourself.